To Keep Downton
by azbookworm
Summary: Mary is determined to keep Downton Abbey but will Matthew change his mind about accepting the money left to him by Mr. Swire
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: To Keep Downton

Matthew returned home from work early and hurried to the bedroom he now shared with Mary in hopes of spending an hour or so with her before the dressing gong rang. He felt a smile tug at his lips when he quietly opened the door to their room to see her bent over the small writing desk in the corner of the room.

"No tea today Anna" Mary said without looking up from the paper she was scribbling away at.

"And what has you so busy that you don't have time for tea?" he whispered in her ear after sneaking up behind her.

"Your home early darling."

"Indeed. Knowing you will be here waiting for me has given me a marvelous incentive to complete my work as quickly possible. I can only hope that whatever it is that you are writing that would keep you from taking tea is not so important that it will prevent me from enjoying the pleasure of your company."

"If I tell you, I doubt you will find my company very pleasurable."

Matthew sighed, folded his arms and leaned against the wall. "If this is about Reggie Swire's money again, you know my decision has already been made. Please try to understand as much as a love you, I cannot do what you want me to do. You know, you must know, that my heart aches for the sorrow I know you feel. I would do anything for you Mary, give anything that was rightfully mine to secure your happiness, but my conscience cannot allow me to accept blood money."

"You won't save Downton and Gradmama cannot it, but I am not willing to give up."

"What new plan have you hatched this time?"

Biting her lower lip, she rose and silently hand him the paper she had been working on all afternoon. She waited in silence as he read he read it.

"Mary, you cannot be seriously considering this!" He could not believe she would actually consider selling the story of Mr. Pamuk, a story that they had been lucky Carlisle had thus far refrained from publishing.

"I'm not considering it - I have already decided to do it. It is not something I want to do, but it is something I am prepared to do. Besides everyone who matters already knows," she replied as she walked over and sat on the bed.

"No, Mary you cannot do this. Any money you might receive from this would merely delay the inevitable. It might buy Downton a month, two at most. Why would you throw away so much for so little?"

"Because it is not little to me. Maybe you are right and it will only buy a month or two but in that time, circumstances may change or I may come up with another plan, but anytime I can buy to stay in Downton is worth whatever price I may pay. I am willing to bear the shame and brave the storm."

"No it not Mary. It is just a house."

"No, it is not just a house. You have been here for eight years, but I have lived here my entire life. It is not that I am scared of change - I'm not. Or that I think you cannot provide me with a home somewhere else because I know you can. But losing Downton would be like losing a piece of myself so I must fight to keep it."

"I am trying to understand you - I truly am, but God Mary to tell the world and risk or much for one more month in house, no matter how grand ….."

"It has nothing to do with how grand the house is. If you will let me, I will try to show you. Please, let me show you Downton as I see it"

"Mary I've seen the house a thousand times."

Standing, she took his hand and looked straight into blue eyes she loves so much. "Please Matthew, just let me try show you. It may not change your mind, but at least you will get to know me a little better and isn't that something you said you wanted to do?"

"You win my darling, lead the way"

Hand in hand, she led him down the hall. She reached for the handle of a door he had never been through.

"Mary, we can't go in there. That is your mother's room."

"Yes we can. Mama is visiting granny at Dower House and Papa went to the village" she said as she pushed the door open and led him in. "This is the room I was born in. This is the room I was brought to to meet each of my sisters on the day each was born. I was too young to remember the first time I saw Edith and I somehow doubt she would have made much of an impression on me, but I remember the first time I laid eyes on Sybil. She was so pretty, prettier than any doll I owned. She had so much dark hair that Papa let me touch after I promised to be gentle. He even let me hold her, but only if I was sitting down."

Matthew couldn't help but smile at the image of a young Mary holding her baby sister. It wasn't often that she let her guard down and showed her softer side so he cherished her openness all the more. "As beautiful a baby as Sybil must have been, I am certain she couldn't hold a candle to you."

After giving his hand a quick squeeze, she dropped it and walked over to the bed. "This isn't really just mama's room. Papa sleeps here every night although he keeps a bed in the dressing room for form's sake. You know, I once told my parents that really smart married people sleep in separate bedrooms. I never imagined I would want to share a bed with my husband anymore than was absolutely necessary, but then again I never imagined I would get to marry a man of my choosing." She felt him behind her, his arm circling her waist as he placed a soft kiss on her neck before she continued. He smiled remembering their wedding night when he shifted slightly as she was falling asleep causing her to whisper softly "you aren't planning on moving to the other room are you?" Of course he had no intention of leaving and couldn't resist teasing that seeing as how it took eight year to find his way into her bed, he had no plans of leaving it anytime soon.

"When you proposed the first time, I came to mama in this very room that night. It was the first time I ever admitted out loud, much less to myself, that I loved you, that I had loved you much longer than I had known. You see, even this room that you had never seen before, holds not only a piece of my story, but a piece of our story. It is not only this room, it is every room, every hallway, every bench. Come, let me show you another."

"What is the next stop on this tour of yours?"

Smiling, she let him to a room he was very familiar with, the small library. "This was my sanctuary and refuge since I was a young girl. I would hide under that couch whenever I had done something wrong and was not yet ready to face papa. One day, I hid their so long, Carson actually brought me tea and cake and talked me out of hiding. This was also the room that papa brought me to when I was twelve to explain the entail and the fact that to keep Downton in the family, I would need to marry Cousin Patrick who I had no affection for. It was in this room years later that I learned the new heir was a distant cousin who was a solicitor from Manchester. There is really no way to explain how I felt. I'm the eldest daughter of the Earl of Grantham but some unknown cousin takes all simply because I was born a say that I was resentful and predisposed to dislike you would be an understatement."

"My darling, I have always understood how unfair the entail was to you."

Walking to one of the bookcases, she retrieved a book and return to Matthew's side. "The Greek Myths?"

"Yes, you see it was on that day when I first learned that you would be the new heir, I locked myself in here for several hours and that was the book I happened to pick up. That day I discovered the story of Andromeda."

"And the sea monster"

"I did think you a sea monster in the beginning, but years later in this very room, you proved to be Perseus and saved me from the real sea monster I was going to marry"

"So I'm Perseus now?"

"Perhaps not always, but more often than not. Now come, I want to show you something else."

Following her up the stairs and down the hall, she lead him into another room he had never seen before. "This was the nursery that my sisters and I grew up in. This was where Edith torn my favorite dress because it was prettier than hers and where I cut her hair in retaliation when she was sleeping. I don't think I have ever seen my mama so angry." Matthew laughed at the the smile that tugged at Mary's lips as she confessed her youthful misdeed. His eyes followed her as she walked over to a large window with a view of Downton's entrance. "This is where I used to wait for Papa The second I saw him ride up, I would go running for the door no matter how unladylike my nanny thought it was to run. This is where I want my children to grow up. I want to sit in front of this window reading to them or playing with them as we wait for you to come home and then race them down the stairs to meet you. I want to teach them to ride and hunt here. I want them to learn their family's proud history and Downton is an integral part of it. You see I don't want to keep Downton just for me, I want to keep it for our children."

"I can't imagine the very proper Lady Mary racing children down the stairs," he teased, although his smile gave away the fact that he was indeed pleased that she had considered their future children.

"Can't you? I can. Perhaps I've imagined it too often and long before I had any right to."

He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back flush against his chest. "I must confess, I too imagined you with our children long before I ought to have done so," he whispered as he placed a soft kiss on her neck. She turned in his arms and kissed his quickly before telling him she wanted to take him to one more place. He allowed her to lead him to their final stop, her bedroom which had only recently become their bedroom.

"Now this is a room I am quickly becoming well acquainted with."

"But even so, I think there are somethings you don't know about this room. She walked over to the side of the bed and opened a drawer of the nightstand, pulling out an old, well loved picture of him. "This was the location of my nightly ritual every night of the war until you returned. I would take this picture from its hiding place, kneel down right here, and pray for your safe return. Edith actually caught be one time, but I was too embarrassed to admit that I was praying, let alone who I was praying for."

Words could not express what he felt so he did the only thing he could, and took her in his arms. "I do love you Mary. More than I ever thought I could."

She freed herself from his arms and walked to her bedroom door. "At our wedding, you said you weren't entirely sure I would show up. To be honest, the night before, I wasn't sure either, at least until you came to me that night. This is the spot I stood when I knew I would meet you at the alter. This is the spot where you kissed me so sweetly and kept your eyes closed just as you promised"

"So you cheated and opened yours?" He has suspected before that she probably had peaked.

"I guess I am simply not as good as you. But I knew then that I would never be happy with anyone else as long as you walked the Earth and I wouldn't be happy with Downton unless I had you beside me. I do love you and I am not punishing you. If I wanted to punish you, I would have denied you access to my bed until you gave me what I wanted. If I was punishing you, I would have told the family about the Swire inheritance, but I didn't because I did not want anyone to resent you if you decided not to save us. I'm not punishing you, but I do hope that you will reconsider."

He took her in his arms again and kissed the top of her head. "Darling, I love you and I know how hard it was for you say all these things, but …" Mary brought her hand to his mouth to silence him.

"I know this is your decision, but I am asking you to please consider something beyond yourself - think of me, our family, and our children that are sure to come. I want to share this house with you. I want to smile when a room calls to mind a special memory and share that with you. You say you want to get to know me and there is no better place to do that then here."

"Mary I…."

"No please let me finish. I will love you no matter what you choose. I will be angry and terribly sad if you give your inheritance away, but I will try to and eventually will be able to accept it. All I want you to do is reconsider. Please, just promise me you will think about it"

"Of course I will think about it."

"Now come and kiss me before I start to cry"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: To Keep Downton

Dinner had been a rather subdued affair, with Isobel and Violet being the only guests. Feeling the need to remain to close to Mary, Matthew had claimed the seat next to her. It seemed to Matthew that Mary was eerily quiet. Edith had been prattling on for the past ten minutes about her upcoming wedding to Sir Anthony, and Mary had not uttered one barb. Matthew certainly didn't begrudge Edith her happiness, but for Mary to remain silent was, to say the least, unusual. When he was sure no one was looking at him, he moved his hand to her lap to seek her hand which she willingly allowed him to take.

Mary smiled when she felt Matthew take her hand. She had spent the entire dinner wondering what he was thinking. She still couldn't believe she had opened up like that. It was extremely hard for her to do but it was even harder to not know his reaction. She allowed herself a furtive glance at his face but it revealed nothing. From the soft circles she felt his thumb drawing on her hand, she could tell he was not angry, but she wondered how seriously he would take her plea. She truly did not understand his overly righteous stance on this inheritance issue. Had he not told her on the night of his proposal that he had been wrong - that Lavinia wouldn't want them to be sad? How was it he could be so forgiving of her sins but so unforgiving toward his own? He had been true to his word and had not mentioned Pamuk a single time. He had freed her of the guilt she had carried for so long, but she was at a loss as to how to free him from his own guilt.

"Shall we go though?" she heard her mother say, indicating that it was time for the women to withdraw while the men enjoyed a drink.

Her father and Matthew stood as the ladies readied themselves to relocate to the sitting room. To her shock, Matthew had kept ahold of her hand even as they stood although such a display of affection in public was not proper. He took a step closer to her and raised her hand to his lips, allowing his lips to linger several seconds and then turned her hand over to kiss the inside of her wrist, bringing a blush to Mary's face.

"Is this some foreign tradition you've brought back with you from France?" Violet asked as she made a show of disapproval.

"They are newlyweds. Surely we can allow them such a small gesture," Core said with an understanding smile.

"How very American of you. In my day, a mere bow would suffice," Violet muttered as she exited the room.

"In her day, I suppose children were brought by the stork too," Matthew whispered to Mary before releasing her hand and allowing her to follow the others out.

"I am sorry if my display embarrassed anyone." Matthew said as he sat down next to Robert.

"Nonsense, nonsense. It warms my heart to see you two so happy - provided of course these displays do not go much further in public. I must confess, I had been rather worried that this inheritance question would drive a wedge between you and Mary. I am exceedinlgly happy to see that it has not."

"It has been a source of disagreement, but we have managed thus far to not let that disagreement spread to other areas of our marriage."

"I am quite surprised to tell the truth. Mary has never been one to take defeat laying down."

"Well, she has not given up. Indeed, just hours ago she pled her case so passionately that I promised her I would reconsider. I think she would have made an excellent solicitor. I wish this was easier, that I could give her what she wants. I just don't know how I will be able to look at myself in the mirror knowing that my happiness was purchased with the inheritance of a fiancé I wronged terribly just hours before she died. On the other hand, until this afternoon, I never really considered all that this house truly means to Mary."

"You are in an unenviable position my son. I won't tell you what I would do in your position because I am sure given my own marital history that you know well what I would do. But let me a little insight to Mary. She has lived her whole life wanting little more than to reign at Downton as Countess and she has unfortunately suffered disappointment after disappointment. First she learned of the entail. Then she was told she would need to marry Cousin Patrick whom she had little to no affection for. When he died, she was disappointed again when I refused to fight the entail. The you came entered her world as the new heir. When she was almost ready to accept you, you withdrew your offer. I don't mean that as a recrimination because I don't know all the details and certainly she would share the blame, but the fact remains that her hopes were dashed again. To make matters worse, that time he heart was broken as well. Then when it finally looked like she would have her fairy tail ending by marrying you for love but also attaining all that she had always wanted, she has to face the fact that Downton may be cruelly wretched away from her by a financial mistake of her papa. However, her husband has a chance to save her dream and …well you know the rest. The fact that she was born female has prevented her all her life from controlling her future. If she was a boy, she would inherit, and if Downton was in trouble, she could have found an heiress save it as I did. But because she was born a girl, she has few, if any, options."

"I have always felt the entail was tremendously unfair to Mary. I can't say I am sorry it ever existed because without it, I very much doubt we would have met."

"True. Somehow I think you will find a way to do this for her."

"I don't know. I wronged Lavinia so badly, so inexcusably. How can I now allow myself to profit from that?"

"I am not privy to the details of how you wronged Lavinia, but I assume it has something to do with Mary" he paused and saw Matthew nod. "My boy, you cannot help who you love."

"That may be true, but you can help if you act on that love when you are engaged to someone else, especially when your fiancé lies ill in another room. So you see, I committed an unforgivable wrong, and whats more, Lavinia was witness to it in her last hours on this Earth."

"My boy, we all have moments of moral failings - we wouldn't be human if we didn't"

"But we must atone for those failings. Refusing this inheritance is part of my atonement."


	3. Chapter 3

To Keep Downton Chapter 3

When Matthew entered the sitting room, his eyes quickly scanned the room for his wife. As their eyes met, Mary immediately shifted on the sofa to create room for him to sit next to her. Smiling, he sat next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"I've had a letter from Sybil today. She and Tom will be joining us for Edith's wedding and staying on at Downton until after the birth of the baby," Cora informed the group.

"She is having the baby here?" Robert asked.

"Certainly she should remain her. Women shouldn't travel so late in a pregnancy. I am surprised her doctor is permitting her to travel to Downton at all. I would have strongly advised against it," Isobel stated.

"Mother please. If her doctor is allowing it, who are we to second guess." Matthew said with a slight roll of his eyes.

"Now Matthew, we all know that doctors can make mistakes," Mary said, patting his legs to get her point across.

"It will be so wonderful to have a baby in the house again," Cora said with a smile.

"Let us hope that is not the only baby we will be welcoming in to this house in the near future," Violet said with a pointed look to Matthew and Mary.

"Now granny, we have only been married a little over a month."

"Well, I doubt that you have held back much since the wedding. With any luck, we will have an heir within the year."

Matthew gave an embarrassed laugh, but soon stopped when he saw the tense look on Mary's face.

"The first could easily be a girl," Mary said softly.

"And we should be just as pleased with a girl, especially one as pretty as her mother," Matthew said, kissing the top of her head.

"Daughters are a blessing, but a son is a necessity. We wouldn't want to have to seek out the next distant male cousin. Who knows, this one could be a coal miner," Violet stated with a shudder.

"Now Mother, they have plenty of time for that. No need to apply the pressure already," Robert said, remembering the pressure that was placed on Cora from the earliest days of their marriage.

"It's mere days before my wedding, and this family still focuses on Mary," Edith blurts out as she stands and flees the room.

"Edith, my dear, no one meant to slight you," Cora said, following Edith from the room.

"Perhaps I should order the car for you mother," Robert suggest.

"Yes, I think that would be best. These displays of emotion can be so tiring."

"Perhaps you might drive me back to Crawley House Matthew? I haven't had a chance to ride in that new car you purchased," Isobel suggested.

Matthew would have preferred to take Mary upstairs to their room, but there was no acceptable way to express that to the family. "Go ahead darling. I have had you all to myself for a month and can easily spare you for a bit to drive your mother home."

"Of course. If you'll excuse me mother, I will just escort Mary upstairs and shall return shortly to take you home."

Mary allowed him to take her hand and lead her to the stairway. "I believe I know the way to the room I have occupied for well over a decade," she said with a teasing smile.

"Do you object to my company?"

"Not at all. But you needn't make your mother wait merely to walk me to our room."

"There is nothing mere about spending time with you my darling wife," he said as he held the door open for her to enter the bedroom. As soon as the door was closed, she threw her arms around him and pushed him against the door as her lips sought his. He gave in to the pleasure of her kiss for a moment before pushing back against her shoulders.

"Mary, we can't. My mother is waiting downstairs."

"Hurry back husband," she whispered in his ear before nibbling softly on hear earlobe.

"Oh as quickly as I am able," he promised.

Unfortunately, Matthew was not able to return as quickly as he had hoped. It was the first time his mother had him to herself since the wedding, and she insisted that he join her inside Crawley House to update him on her new job. Finding no acceptable way to tell his mother that he was in a rush to return to his beautiful bride who was waiting for him, he humored his mother with as much grace as he could muster. By the time he returned to the Abbey and changed into his night clothes, he found that Mary was already asleep on the far side of the bed. With a sigh, he climbed into bed. Within seconds, she rolled into his arms and settled her head on his chest.

"It seems I cannot find a restful sleep without you anymore," she whispered, as she eyes opened and her hand came up to caress his face.

"Then it is a good thing I don't intent to sleep away from you unless absolutely necessary," he said, drawing her face up for a kiss.

"You lingered much longer than I expected."

"Not by choice, I assure you."

"You are a good son. I can only hope that when we have a son, he will be as good to me as you are to your mother."

"You will be a wonderful mother Mary. Any children we have, sons or daughters, will love you."

"I will give you a son Matthew. I know it"

"Mary, I've been thinking. If - and please note that I said if - if, I accept the Swire money, I am going to insist that it be kept completely separate from the entail. I would not have any daughters of mine going through what you had to. I won't have them thinking they need to marry a sea monster to please their family and keep their rightful place. I can't break the entail, but I can keep the money separate and perhaps we can try a special bill in the House of Commons. There is no guarantee of success, and I cannot press the issue now as I am only heir presumptive, but when I am Earl, I will at least try to break it." He looked into her face to see a smile as bright as he had ever seen her wear.

"Have I told you how much I love you?" she asked, as she placed soft, wet kisses all over his face.

"You might have said something about that, but I never tire of hearing it. Any reason in particular?" he asked, as he rolled them over and settled on top of her.

"Just for being you," she said as she wound her arms around his neck. "And for if."

"It is only an if."

"There is nothing only about it. You are thinking about it and that is enough. Now kiss me and make me stop thinking.


	4. Chapter 4

To Keep Downton Chapter 4

"Thank you Mosley," Matthew said as he finished his nightly routine of dressing for dinner. When Mosley had left, Matthew walked over to the end table where he had left the telegram he received earlier in the day. He folded the telegram and placed it in the pocket of his dinner jacket. It had been two weeks since he had promised Mary to reconsider, but he was no closer to coming to a decision. With a sigh, he sat down on the bed and vigorously rubs his hands over his face.

He hated being placed in this position. He would either be guilty of breaking Mary's heart anew or of magnify the guilt he already felt over his behavior toward had hoped he would have more time, but the telegram stated that the death certificate from India had arrived in London and Swire's lawyer would be arriving on Friday with the final paperwork. Just three days.

A glance at his pocket watch told him it was time to head down to the dinning room lest he be late. He softly knocked on the door that connected his dressing room to the room he shared with Mary. He smiled when her heard her lovely voice grant him entry.

"My darling, how is it you are not dressed yet?" he asked as he saw her sitting at her vanity in her dressing robe with her hair already in place.

"Matthew, you must relax. I am only waiting for my dress and I shall be ready. I asked Anna to select something special for tonight and apparently the pressing is taking longer," she said as she stood and met him with a kiss.

"Something special?"

"Mmm, something to make me irresistible," she whispered in his ear as her arms snaked around his back.

"When are you going to learn that you are always irresistible to me?"

Their kiss was interrupted by Anna's return. "I am so sorry my lady, this dress hasn't been worn in such a long time that it took much longer to press than I had anticipated, but I think it is just the thing you are looking for," she said, holding up the dress. Mary gasped and could see that Matthew looked alarmingly pale.

"You look extraordinarily lovely in it - irresistible just as you requested," Anna said with a smile.

Matthew swallowed hard remembering just how irresistible Mary had looked in that dress, so much so he had been unable to resist asking her to dance, whispering his secret longings, leaning in far to close, and betraying a sick Lavinia by kissing Mary when he never should have done so.

"Anna, I cannot wear this dress," Mary stated firmly, never taking her eyes from Matthew.

"But my lady, no other evening dresses are pressed and dinner is being served momentarily."

"Any other dress, the dress I was wearing while I made calls this afternoon will do. And Anna, please, please dispose of this dress immediately."

Matthew remained rooted to the ground as Anna rushed to redress Mary in her afternoon dress. He couldn't help but wonder if that dress, that cursed dress, was sent as a sign to remind him of his past sins. He was shaken from his reverie when Mary grabbed his hand.

"Say something," she pleaded with him.

"We had best go to dinner."

"We can talk about it you know."

"No Mary, I can't talk about it - not with you."

"Matthew please…"

"Mary, you must leave it. Now let's go down to dinner." He held the door open for her, but was careful not to touch her the entire walk to the dinning room.

"Mary, what on Earth are you wearing," Cora asked.

"Good Heavens Mary, this is dinner, not a picnic," Violet scolded.

"I am sorry Granny, but there was the evening dress prepared for me tore, and there was simply no time to press another. I do apologize for my lack of formality, but thankfully we are not hosting any guests this evening."

Dinner was a tense affair. Mary had tried repeatedly to take Matthew's hand under the table but she had been silently rebuffed each time. She knew that dress had brought his guilt back in full force and it couldn't have come at a worse time. He hadn't said more than two words throughout the entire dinner, and Mary was certain that all her progress over the past few weeks had been lost. He barely looked at her when the ladies exited the dinning room to allow the men time to enjoy their post dinner drinks.

Soon Robert excused himself when Carson informed him that there was a call for him leaving Tom and Matthew alone.

"Torn dress right before dinner?" Tom asked with a grin and a raised eyebrow.

"Trust me, it is not what you think," Matthew muttered, taking a long drink of scotch.

"Trouble in paradise?" Tom asked.

"What gives you that impression?"

"Well for a start, you are newlyweds and yet you seem sullen and in no rush to return to your wife's side."

"I need a little time away from her at the moment."

"The inheritance issue rearing its head again?"

"Among other things," Matthew replied.

"Let me offer you just one piece of advice - marriage is all about compromise. I would never have imagined that I would put on the trappings of the English aristocracy, but as you see I have done it because of have learned that a happy wife makes me infinitely more happy."

"I don't deserve to be happy."

"Everyone deserves to be happy."

"Not me. I'm sorry. Please make my excuses to the family. Tell them I am feeling unwell and have retired," Matthew said, leaving Tom alone in the billiards room.

"So, a torn dress right before you and Matthew come down to dinner together? Sounds like you had a good afternoon," Sybil whispered to her sister with a grin while Cora, Granny, and Edith were engaged in debate over the flowers for Edith's wedding.

"Sybil, it was not what you are suggesting."

"Too bad because that can be fun," she replied with a smile and a slight blush. Before Mary could respond, Tom entered the room alone.

"Where is Matthew?" she asked.

"He sends his apologies, but he was feeling unwell and has retired," Tom said as he took a seat next to his wife. Mary fought the urge to immediately excuse herself and seek out Matthew lest she alert the rest of the family that something was amiss. She forced herself to remain seated for a half an hour, though if someone has asked her what the conversation was about, she would have been unable to give them an answer. Finally when she could stand it no more, she excused herself and hurried to their bedroom silently praying that he would be there.

When she opened the door, she let out a sigh of relief upon seeing him standing there, staring out the window.

"Matthew, I am so sorry, but it was just a dress."

"You and I both know it is not 'just a dress.' It is a reminder of what we did, what I did to Lavinia," he replied as he turned around to face her.

"It was wrong, but it was just one kiss. Certainly not a mortal sin. When are you going to forgive yourself?"

"Oh Mary, it wasn't 'just a kiss.' It was the culmination of a betrayal that went much further," he said with a sigh as he sat in the oversized chair. Mary wanted to go to him, but she couldn't read what he needed from her, so she remained where she stood and waited. "I betrayed her from the very first Mary. I knew she loved me more than I loved her. I wanted her to love me more than I loved her. I never wanted to feel how you had made me feel - so unsure of your affections." It was said without recrimination, but Mary felt remorseful anyway.

"Oh Matthew," she said walked over and sat in his lap. "You know how sorry I am for making you feel that way."

"Yes I know. But the fact remains that I did feel that way. After that, I thought wanted someone - needed someone - opposite of you. Someone who wore her feelings on her sleeve, someone who did not always tease and test me, someone who would make me forget you, but the plan didn't work. I never could forget you. I did love her. She was so good and kind it would be hard not to love her, but it was never like my love for you. I thought it would grow into that, but it never did. I was comfortable in her presence, but I never felt the passionate longing I felt every time I saw you. When I wasn't with her, she was rarely in my thoughts and she never haunted my dreams - not like you did. It was your token not hers that I took when me on patrols and when I went over the top. It was you I was dreaming of when I woke in the hospital. It was you I was imagining when I discovered that I could be a proper husband. Despite all this, I continued in my engagement. I may have only been unfaithful to her physically that one time, but in my heart and mind, I was untrue to her so often. My lack of courage in facing the truth as I should have done years ago, robbed her of the chance to be loved as she should have been, to find someone who could love her better than I could."

"Oh my love," Mary whispered as she held tight to him. "Despite all that, I know she loved you and would still want you to be happy. I know that because she was a better person than I am. When you withdrew your proposal, it broke my heart, but I wished you well. When you returned with Lavinia, my heart ached every time I saw you with her. Granny urged me to work to break you up, but I couldn't do it because I loved you too much to destroy your happiness even if cost me mine. If I could want you to be happy no matter what, I know that she would do the same."

"That makes it all the worse. You see she did want me to be happy. Her last request was that I promise to be happy for her sake. She knew of my betrayal and she forgave me and died wishing for my happiness. But my betrayal was so great, I didn't deserve her forgiveness."

"Forgiveness is not something we are given because we deserve it. When I told you about Pamuk, you forgave me. I know you said you didn't because I did not need your forgiveness, but we both know you forgave me. Did you forgive me because I deserved it or did you forgive me because you loved me?"

"That's different Mary. You didn't betray me when you …"

"But I did in a way. I knew when I gave into him that I was betraying my future husband whoever he was. You deserved to be the first, the only, but took that from you. Despite that, you forgave me. You didn't have to, most me wouldn't, but you did. You forgave me because you love me. Would you have me feel guilty for all my days or would you have me accept your forgiveness and the spirit in which it was given," she asked as she cupped his face in her hands.

"Of course I want you to accept my forgiveness," he said as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Then why won't you let your let yourself accept hers?"

"I will try Mary. Can I just hold you for a while?"

"You can hold me for as long as you want," she replied, laying her hear against his chest


	5. Chapter 5

To Keep Downton Chapter 5

The next morning when Anna entered the room Matthew and Mary shared to open the curtains, she was surprised by the sight that greeted her. The couple was asleep in the chair, Mary curled in Matthew's lap.

Matthew woke at the sound of the curtains being opened and the light rushing into the room. Mary, never one to relish the morning, buried her head in her neck, refusing to acknowledge that the morning had arrived. "Anna, please close the curtains. I think we will rest a bit longer. We will ring if we need anything," Matthew directed.

"Of course sir," she replied, closing the curtain and exiting as quietly as possible.

Matthew become aware of the ache in his neck and back from spending the night in the chair. Despite his discomfort, he smiled at the sight of his sleeping wife. When he asked to hold her a little longer, it never crossed his mind that they would spend the entire night in the chair. She was still in her dress from the previous evening and her hair was coming loose from its pins, but he thought she looked so young and beautiful - her face free in sleep from the worry he has seen there all too often during the past few weeks.

He carefully adjusted himself to slide one arm under her legs and the other under her back and then stood carefully to carry her to the bed. He laid her down on what had become her side of the bed, taking care not to wake her. He removed her shoes and stockings before laying down beside her. She soon rolled into his arms and settled her head against his chest once more. He smiled and softly stroked her face with the back of his fingers.

She was right last night when she said he had forgiven her. Perhaps he wouldn't have been able to do so if she told him before the war, before he learned to separate what mattered and what didn't. It still hurt to think of the Turk and what she had done with him, but God knew he had made mistakes too. She had been so young and so angry at the unfairness of her situation when she made that fateful decision, but he had been older and wiser when he wronged Lavinia. He still wasn't sure that his mistakes were forgivable.

"Matthew, why am I still in my clothes?" a sleepy Mary asked as she started to stir.

"I am afraid we fell asleep in the chair my darling."

"That would explain why my neck and back feel so awful."

"I am so sorry Mary. I don't even remember falling asleep."

"You fell asleep first and looked so peaceful that I couldn't bear to wake you or leave you to sleep alone in a chair, so I stayed."

"Mary, you should have gone to sleep in the bed. I would never want you to be uncomfortable."

"I wasn't, at least not then, and this ache in my back will go away soon enough."

"I could rub it for you," he offered.

"You would do that?"

"Of course, but I think it might be a little difficult with your dress and corset still on."

"That can be easily resolved - you simply need to take them off," she said with a suggestive smile as she sat up to give him access to the row of buttons down her back.

"I am not entirely sure I will be able to focus on rubbing your back when you are giving me other ideas," he replied as he began unbuttoning her dress, placing kisses along her back as he went.

"Back rub first. Then we can explore your other ideas."

Much later when Matthew awoke again, Mary was sound asleep with an arm slung carelessly across his chest. A glance at the clock revealed that it was now past noon. Despite the time, he couldn't bring himself to wake her, so opted instead to instead to attempt to leave the bed without waking her. After making it out of the bed, he began to hunt around the darkened room for his discarded robe so he could return to the dressing room and ring for Mosley.

"You can turn a light on you know," he heard her say from the bed.

"I didn't want to wake you."

"I ought to get up. It is past noon. Certainly we have scandalized the house enough already."

"Let us just hope your grandmother isn't around."

"What will you be doing today," she said as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"I thought I might visit Lavinia and Reggie's gravesite," he said softly.

"Would you like me to come?"

"No my darling, this is something I need to do myself," he said, noting her nod of understanding. "But I would very much like it if you were here when I come back."

"Of course. I can call for the car if you would like," she offered with a small smile.

"No, I think I'll walk. I need time to think about what I want to say," he said as he leaned in to kiss her goodbye.

She caught him by the wrist as he stood to leave causing him to turn around and face her as she stood. "I love you so very much," she told him.

"I know you do."

When Matthew arrived at Lavinia's grave, he looked around self-consciously to ensure that he wasn't being observed. He felt rather odd talking to a grave, but felt compelled to make his peace with Lavinia's ghost and knew of no other place to do it.

"I am not sure where to being Lavinia. There are some things I need to tell you that I was never brave enough or honorable enough to tell you when I had the opportunity. I should have told you that Mary was more than my cousin, that I had proposed to her and then withdrew that proposal. I was still in love with her when I met you, though I would barely admit it to myself. You were so sweet, so kind, so innocent, and I thought you could help me heal, help me forget her. But I was never able to forget her or stop loving her. You didn't do anything wrong - it was all me. I should have released you as soon as I realized that my heart would never be free of Mary. I regret most that in failing to do so, I robbed you of an opportunity to be loved as you should have been loved. I did think I could be faithful to you, that as the years passed, my love for Mary would shrink until I could lock it away in some far corner of my heart. I can't explain what came over me that night. It was my fault, not hers. I am so sorry for what you saw and heard. I am so sorry that I hurt you so badly, so inexcusably. I am so terribly sorry that I made your last hours even worse. I still cannot comprehend how in the face of my betrayal, you still wanted me to be happy, made me promise that I would be happy for your sake. For a long time, I refused to let myself even consider being happy, especially because it is Mary that makes me happy. I've recently come to accept that I would never be happy with anyone else as long as Mary walks the earth. You were right when you expressed doubt that she would marry Carlisle. As it turns out, she married me. She has made me happier than I ever imagined I could be. You must know how guilty that makes me feel even though you said it is what you wanted. I don't feel that I deserve your forgiveness, but Mary says you gave it out of love and would want me to accept it. I hope that is true, for I mean to give Mary the one thing she has asked me for." He took a deep breath before continuing.

"You see, your father did not want to divide his fortune, and he listed me as the third possible heir. I am sure he never imagine both of the others would predecease him, but it turns out they did so once again I find myself heir to something I never wanted. I planned to give it all away. I could not stomach the idea that I would profit from your death as that money should have been yours. But the thing is that without that money, Downton will be lost so Mary has asked me to accept the money and save the only home she has ever known. I didn't think I could before as I thought it would be a further sin against you, but I don't think I can be happy if she isn't. I know you said you didn't have it in you to be queen of the county, but Mary does - it is all she has ever known, all she has ever wanted. If I don't do this, I will rob her of her home, the future she has always wanted, and a large part of what brings her happiness and in doing so will cost me my own chance at happiness for I can't bear to see her sad. I hope you can understand. Please know that I did love you, maybe not in the same way that I love Mary, but I loved you nonetheless. You will always be a sweet memory for me - never a nuisance. I will forever regret the hurt I caused you, but I am going to try to honor that last promise I made you," Matthew said as he laid flowers on her grave and stood there in silence a while longer before he was ready to return home and talk to Mary.


End file.
